Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally