Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I’d use my best pan on you.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?