Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.