It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.