Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
some Old Testament wisdom
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.