Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u