Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.