At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.