BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
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Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.