willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”