When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that