Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*