“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager