The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!