Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
The three genders
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
(Electricians.)
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.