Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 馃槶
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he鈥檚 a weirdo or he鈥檚 punishing himself for swearing again
God: you鈥檙e a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i鈥檓 a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i鈥檓 an itty-bitty vampire!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Me: I鈥檓 so excited to be working here. It鈥檚 always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You鈥檒l be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
me: I鈥檓 sorry, it鈥檚 over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.