Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.