*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five