My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
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If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k