[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
☠️☠️☠️
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said