Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: