ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Can’t, holding a grudge
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste