Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
The only equipped I am is ill.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit