The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Nose
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.