My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
DOOO EEEET
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.