I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
it be like that
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?