*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts