Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
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[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
remember
only for emergencies
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
dutch so unserious
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.