After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.