Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop