Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
You Might Also Like
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
our love story in four pictures
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Golf would be better with landmines.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.