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Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
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kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I forgot how to panic. Help
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.