Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”