Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”