Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%