her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!