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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?