Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up