If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
happy valentine’s day to me
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
stop
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
don’t be scared
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something