Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
guys I’m going home
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene