i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Good morning, Twitter x
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
good work, everybody
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
do what now??
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.