Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you