Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
You Might Also Like
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket