Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Noted.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!