Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Pat is about to own someone
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom