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Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
so i’m at the stock market right
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately