Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You Might Also Like
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
A dad and his duck
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles