kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.