Netflix and you sit over there.
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.