*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
🐕🍷
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.